Is a destructive relationship affecting your life in a negative way? Do you feel torn between leaving and staying? If so, you might be experiencing cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance and destructive relationships often go hand in hand. What is cognitive dissonance? Almost everyone encounters this phenomenon at one point or another during their lifetime. Understanding this concept and creating a healthy mindset is key to surviving a destructive relationship.
What is Cognitive Dissonance Anyway?
Cognitive dissonance is just as you would imagine when you hear the phrase. There is a dissonance in your belief system, thinking and emotions, causing disharmony in your world and in your mental state. Since the conscious mind cannot hold two different polar opposite thoughts and once, when a person presents to you, for example, that they love you and hate you at the same time, your mind becomes confused and does not know what to believe. The confusion causes emotional turmoil, and people tend to get stuck in a loop of confusion and negative emotion, such as anxiety. Cognitive dissonance can occur in many different areas of life, but today we are going to focus on relationships, the destructive kind, and how we can overcome this disharmony.
During or after a destructive relationship, especially one in which a Cluster B personality disorder was involved, we tend to experience two beliefs and two feelings about the same person, as stated above. Cluster B personality disorders include Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. On one hand we see the beauty of the person, the light in their soul, the love they have for us, and the love we have for them. On the other hand we see the destructive behavior patterns affecting our lives in a negative way. The destructive behavior begins to create a cycle which can only spiral in a downward direction. This dangerous spiral can eventually take us into an abyss we could never have imagined.
How Does Cognitive Dissonance Affect Us?
Initial reactions and societal bias would first lead us to a victim mentality state, in which we become the victim of another person’s behavior. Most of us have been taught to be victims of our reality since a very early age. Blame feels good because it allows us shift the responsibility elsewhere and put ourselves above it, boosting our own ego. This viewpoint is limited and dangerous. When we see ourselves as a victim and encourage others to do the same, we are, in essence, giving away our power.
When we see ourselves as a victim we create a bad guy (the other guy) and a good guy (us). This causes further descent into the rabbit hole of cognitive dissonance. In fact, if we cannot find our way out of victim mentality, we will most likely attract another of these relationships. That is because our subconscious will draw to us the circumstances to teach us our lessons over and over until we learn them. In this case, that you are powerful and you are not a victim. This is why so many people repeat the pattern of the same relationship with a different partner.
Good Guy/Bad Guy
If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many people suffer in destructive relationships and experience cognitive dissonance in the process. In the center of cognitive dissonance it seems there is a never-ending, crazy-making conundrum. On one hand, we love the way the individual made or makes us feel. We love the way we feel when we around them, and when everything is perfect. In fact, there is nothing quite like it! It’s like a beautiful magical spell. On the other hand, we have begun to experience extreme lows in this relationship, and boy can they get low. Behavior we never even dreamed this person was capable of is beginning to surface. How could this be the same person we once knew? What happened?
In seeing these two faces, we are forced to hold two opposite beliefs about this person. Of course a person must be classified as “good” or “bad” in the filing cabinet we call our subconscious, so we can decide to either toss them or keep them. The subconscious loves a good clean filing cabinet. Our mind is at work with our belief system for many hours a day attempting to harmonize this crazy off key song we are calling a relationship. As the mind twists and turns, stealing and wasting our energy, other parts of our lives suffer. We may develop physical ailments, depression, anxiety, irrational fears and the list could go on…..depending on the length of time one is wiling to choose suffering over peace.
Skip the Fear-Based Material
From a spiritual perspective it is important for us to see that we were all created equal. Though our lives turn out differently, and we are all uniquely gifted, there is no person who is less than another. You may find quite a bit of fear-based material being circulated around this topic, that is not necessarily empowering you to find freedom and harmony in your life.
This fear-based material spreads the ridiculous notion that one person must be a monster and the other and angel for the world to make any sense at all. But it is not the truth. The truth is that it takes two people to be in a relationship, and that each person is a co-creator of that relationship. In the larger perspective of life and living, who is to say who is right, or who is wrong? It is a matter of perception. One of the main concepts to remember is that we can love a person, while at the same time not making exceptions or excuses for their poor behavior.
How can we get Past Cognitive Dissonance?
So how can you alleviate cognitive dissonance? How can we filter through our conflicting beliefs without losing everything and going crazy? How can we hold onto our perception of the good in that person,while maintaining our power, moving forward, and not excusing poor behavior?
One of the foundational principles that makes hypnotherapy work is the idea that a person is not their behavior. We must separate the two. Behaviors come from deep within, from the subconscious belief system, the programming that rules 95% of our lives. Destructive behavior comes from false beliefs which are normally created early in childhood. Sometimes, we pass these beliefs and behaviors down from generation to generation, until finally someone agrees to stop the buck.
We are all created perfect, whole and complete, despite our behavior patterns. The truth is, we can hold love in our heart for a person while at the same time understanding that their behavior is destructive, even humbly recognizing that they might believe the same about us. We can honor another by seeing the light in them, the aspect that is perfect whole and complete.
In this recognition we empower ourselves to make some amazing changes in our lives. We look at what we consider to be the destructive behaviors of the other person, realize that we cannot change them, and decide whether or not we want to live with the way those behaviors affect our life. If we are not willing to accept the lifestyle and the behaviors, we move on. It really is that simple…..isn’t it?
Addicted to the Drama?!
Well, not necessarily. Due to many of the highs and lows that you experience in your relationship, through arguing, infidelity, abuse, neglect, manipulation etc., most likely, an addictive behavior pattern has been formed; that is, the chemicals created in our bodies and brains during the trauma of the highs and lows has begun to affect us in a negative way, like a drug. Yes, we get addicted to drama and arguing. If you do choose to leave, it is very important to find support during the time of leaving and restructuring through friends, family, a therapist or a support group, and to take care of your self physically, mentally and emotionally.
The most important work we do, and the only work we really can do in resolving cognitive dissonance, will be the work we do on ourselves. If we have attracted this relationship into our lives, it is likely that somewhere in our life we are living cognitive dissonance as well. The best way to assure that we do not see this pattern again is to live in harmony…not dissonance…with our truth – in every moment.
This is no small task. It means analyzing our own behavior and how that matches up with our core beliefs. If our core beliefs are flawed it means changing them. It means looking deep into our own souls to see what it is that we truly stand for and living it without hesitation and without reservation. When we can truly do this we will no longer attract these types of relationships into our lives. We will be free.
Hypnotherapy can help!
Hypnotherapy is a process that helps with healing aspects of cognitive dissonance and destructive relationships. It empowers us to live the lives we were meant to live….to follow our dreams.
Contact me for your free consultation today!
By Tammie Mohn, MBA
Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist
